Big Changes

My long lost blog people-what is up!? I have been MIA for a while and while I was gone, I have made a lot of life changes and most of them have been for the better.

 

I don't know if you remember "mystery boy" but I have discussed him plenty of times on the blog. He is the person I have been with since highschool and for all you people trying to guess my age and add up how long that has been, its been 6 years. We have been through everything together. He was the first person I really loved. I had been "in love" two other times before but I was in high school...so yeah you all know about that kind of love.

 

I started officially dating him a week to the day after I graduated. It was wonderful. I never thought it was possible to be happier than I was. Freshman year of college brought the death of my mom and possibly the hardest time I ever remember having in my life. I was balancing or attempting to balance my mom being gone and the grief that came with that and maintaing a good GPA so I could be something someday.

 

Through all that, he was there. For anything and everything I needed and even the things I didn't. I will always equate that time in my life to him. My mom loved him and he loved her. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be there for me at the lowest point in my life to date.

 

Things went well for 4 solid years. He then got accepted into a radiation therapy program at a school about 2 hours away while I was left behind. We ultimately broke up but never lost contact and never really broke up. This went on up until about 2 months ago with the exception of one time we got back together and then broke up again. We have been back and forth for the last 3 years and I just got tired. Tired of waiting for something to change, tired of making the effort to drive down to see him (as he now lives 8 hours away) and tired of being not important to him as I always made him a priority in my life.

 

October, I went to GA/FLA as usual with my friends and when I got back home that Sunday, I just picked up the phone and told him I couldn't do this anymore and I didn't want to. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. For a long time, I thought he was my best friend, but then I realized I was fooling myself. I was HIS best friend but he was not mine. He didn't treat me with respect and he didn't value me in the way that I deserved. He knew that no matter what happened or what was said, I would always be there. So I made the decision to not be there anymore. It was a hard time for me.

 

My birthday came around, Dec. 5 and he called to wish me a happy birthday and it set me back after not speaking for weeks. I officially haven't spoken to him in about a month and I still feel sad when I think about it but I am realizing that I deserve better and I value myself enough to move on. No more playing the waiting game and hoping we end up together. When I snapped myself back into reality, I realized that I wasn't treated the way I deserved. I wasn't a priority in his life and that did it for me. I believe that when you know better, you do better and I did better for myself. I let all my emotions and thoughts of who we used to be together dictate my decisions to stay in a situation that I didn't have any right being in. He didn't fight for me. He simply let me go. And I am ok with that..or at least I am getting there.

 

I made the choice to start doing things for myself and not relying on anyone for my happiness. I am responsible for that and no one else is going to do that unless I make myself happy first. I have been living and doing things for me. If I want to do something, I do it. If I want to go somewhere, I go. If I want to buy something, I buy it. I made a promise to myself on NYE to get my happy back myself and do what I want to do and live for me. I have been hanging out with new and old friends, trying new things and healing. I haven't heard from him and I don't expect to. He owes me nothing. I have love for him always as he was there for me for most of my adult life. He was there for all my adult firsts. I can never take that back and I wouldn't want to. People change and realized we both changed and not in the same direction.

 

Even as I sit here and type this, I have no tears. It is almost calming to be able to just say it and actually believe it. I finally believe it!

 

Go get your happy back. Don't stay in something that doesn't make you happy! Do things for yourself. I am learning everyday about loving this new life. I am letting go of the past and looking forward to the future. If someone wants to be a part of my life, they will make an effort. And if not, LIFE GOES ON ANYWAY!

 

2013 is a new year and a new perspective for me! Love to all my bloggieeeee buddies who I have made friendships with and speak to regularly! Love you all!!!! All 84 of you!

 

Peace out peoples! I will be back! :)