Mom

Today is Mother's day and one of the hardest days of the year for me and my sister. I usually try to keep my blog fun and light-hearted because, lets be honest, no one wants to read a blog that is a debbie downer all the time.

With that being said, I am taking time to be somewhat of a debbie downer today, friends. The purpose, though, behind my post isn't to be such. It is just the opposite. It is to show you all that taking people for granted is for the birds and that it shouldn't be done and also to remember my sweet mom who is the strongest person I have ever known.

I haven't shared a whole lot with you about this, but we are all friends and I value each and every one of you. Also, please DO NOT feel sorry for me. That is the last thing I want to come out of this post. This is for my mom.

Dear Mom,

It is so hard to believe that it has been over 4 years since you passed away. First of all, breast cancer sucks a big one, yeah? I think we can both agree on that. Speaking of that, I got a tattoo. Don't be mad. It was all for you. A lovely pink ribbon on my foot that I display proudly and tell of you every time someone asks about it. I almost feel like you left us just yesterday because seriously, I can remember everything that happened that day and then remember nothing all at the same time.

I gave up on the nursing dream because bloods makes me queezy...red flag Ashley! I can just hear it now. I did find something that I love to do and just last weekend I graduated college. Can you even believe that? I know that I can't. Everything about that day was great except you were missing. But there was this one time during the ceremony (I had zoned out bc it was like 768 degrees and we were on about name 114 of 1600) I remember the wind blowing. It was one of the only times it happened during the entire 2 hours..btw thanks for the help. You could have thrown out a little wind that day. I remember thinking as soon as that breeze came that it was all you. You were there and I believe that.

Mama, I want so badly for you to be there for all the milestones that I have to come in the future. My first house, my first big girl job, my wedding day, my first baby being born. I feel almost cheated in a way that you weren't granted that chance and neither was I, but then I feel selfish for thinking such things. I know you would tell me to just move on and live the best I possibly could and I so hope that you would be proud of me so far.

Everything that has happened and everything I have done has been for you. I wouldn't and couldn't have done it without your support even now. I know that you still support me in everything I am doing and will do. Just the thought of that is comfort enough.

As much as I wish that you were still here to celebrate birthdays, holidays and milestones, I know that you are resting peacefully and without pain now. It doesn't make it any easier and when people tell you time heals all things, they are wrong. It never gets better. It gets bearable.

I have always known that a little girl needs her mama more than anyone else in her life. Someone she can look up to, learn from and cry to when times are hard. I got to do all of those things for 18 years and I am so thankful. I know that you are watching me and praying for me to make the best decisions I can while still backing me up on the not so great ones, and you know there have been a few of those. Like all the times I thought it would be a great idea to go out on a Sunday night before a test on Monday. Or the time I thought it would be alright to back up my long driveway at night and backing right into a tree. Yeah, you get the idea. 

I hope that I make you proud and that one day I grow up to be just as strong, courageous, hard-working, loving and compassionate as you were. I have some big shoes to fill.

And just one more thing... do you think you could send a man my way sometime soon? I mean I kinda have that same one I have had forever now and he's not making any moves, so if we aren't right together could you just send me a new one and lets start over from scratch? I would like for him to already be trained...it takes too much time to train one properly. I don't have time to do all the dirty work. You know the kinds I like. :)

I love you always. Happy Mother's day, mama.

And to all the mothers celebrating today. Don't take your moms for granted, y'all. Tell them everyday that you love them and call them back after a silly fight and tell them you are sorry and that none of that nonsense really even matters.

Take it from me. A girl who would give anything and everything to go back in time and change a million things.

Hope you all have a blessed day and enjoy your families!

Peace out, girl scouts!